Unbearable
by Akina Kimura
Summary: Matt managed to survive the mission, but now he has to deal with the death of Mello: his best friend, and the love of his life. How will he cope?


"_Matt?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Why are you always playing those games?"_

My heart was breaking; shattering into thousands of incompetent pieces – pieces that would always belong to him, even though he was already on the other side. The world he now resided in was much too far out of my reach; no matter how long I searched for him, and no matter where I looked, I knew he would never show up. Never again would I experience the reassuring corporeality of his presence, or the gentle hand from which I sought my only comfort. From how until the day death would claim my own body, he only existed in the tarnished void that was my mind.

"_Because I like them."_

"_Why?"_

"_Why do you like chocolate so much?"_

"_Because it tastes good."_

"_It's the same concept. I like to play them because they're fun."_

My world has once again turned to dark shades of black and gray; all of the color and all of the light has vanished once again. He had brought the meaning into my life, after so many melancholy years with nothing but loneliness to keep me company. When I saw his light, everything else faded into the background; he was all that mattered to me then, and he was all that mattered to me now.

"_Could you put it down for a while?"_

"_Why?"_

"_I hardly get to talk to you."_

"_You're talking to me right now."_

"_Matt..."_

"_Mello...?"_

"_Just for a little bit."_

"_Okay."_

I didn't know what I would do now that he was gone; now that I would never be able to see the living and breathing boy that I had grown to love so much. He had been the only thing holding me to this wretched planet, and now that he was no longer with me, what did I have left to live for? What did I have to look forward to?

"_About the mission tomorrow..."_

"_What about it?"_

"_It's going to be very dangerous."_

"_Obviously. I can't seem to recall you ever taking the easy way out. Look at your face."_

"_Hey, now."_

"_Sorry."_

Honestly, the news of his permanent departure still hadn't entirely sunk in. It was just far too much for my feeble mind to even comprehend; part of me just didn't see how it was even possible. That part of me still thought that he would walk in through that front door any second, and we would rejoice in the fact that we had both come out alive. On the other hand, the logical side of me knew that no matter how much I prayed, hope and yearned for his arrival, that he would never again appear before me. I would never again be graced with his presence.

"_I'm almost positive I won't make it out alive."_

"_Don't say that."_

"_But you will live. I know you will."_

"_Not without you."_

"_Even if I'm killed, you have to promise you'll live without me."_

"_No."_

"_Matt..."_

It was so hard to believe. Every single time he left for another mission, he would bring me close, brush a gentle kiss across my waiting lips, and promise me that everything would be okay. Each time, I believed him. Even earlier today, deep down, I had known that when I returned home, he would be waiting there for me. He wasn't. When I walked through that door, his voice was not there to greet me. His tight embrace did not come to welcome me. The atmosphere had been sad...lonely...not expecting.

"_You're not going to die."_

"_It's not preventable."_

"_I won't let you leave."_

"_You can't do that."_

"_Why do you have to do this to me?"_

"_This is my job, Matt..."_

There was just one thing I didn't think I would ever be able to understand. Before he ever came into my life, I was getting by just fine on my own. Of course, there had never been a day to pass where I hadn't felt alone and unneeded, but it was bearable. Years later, I met him. He gave me a reason to live; my gloomy days were over. The light had finally been shone on the dark blanket of shadows each of my days were buried underneath. The shady, meaningless void I had once needed to call my life had finally been transformed. Now that I would have to go back to living without him, I was at a complete loss. I guess after you find someone who means so much to you, it's impossible to let them go, even if you had been living without them before.

"_Mello?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you, too."_

Love...an emotion that can make you feel an evident sense of belonging and purpose. An emotion that can give you immeasurable amounts of happiness and blatant joy. An emotion that you will do absolutely anything to protect; to make certain that nothing and no one can diminish that flame. An emotion that can just as easily crush your heart, smash your world to pieces, and throw you in the dust, where you're left to suffer; cold, weak and utterly alone.

"_You can't leave me behind."_

"_I don't want to die, Matt. But if it happens, then so be it."_

"_Mello..."_

"_Yes?"_

"_Kiss me."_

"_Okay."_

Silently, I did the only thing I was capable of doing. I cried. I cried for my beloved Mello, I cried for my own stupidity, I cried as I thought of living the rest of my life on my own. I began sobbing as I remembered his gentle and pure-hearted caresses, his tender and meaningful kisses, and the warm, consoling ambiance of his embrace. All of which I could never experience again.

"_Mm..."_

"_Matt..."_

"_Hmm?"_

"_You need to promise me that you'll live."_

"_Mello..."_

"_Please. If I'm killed, it'll put me at ease."_

"_I can't live without you. I won't."_

Them I remembered.

"_Please, Matt..."_

My promise.

"_Mello...I'd rather die than have to live the rest of my life facing the fact that you're not here."_

I never break a promise.

"_You have to live, Matt. Promise me."_

Never.

"_I promise you that I will be with you, wherever you are."_

I couldn't leave him alone. I couldn't break the promise I made to him and to myself.

"_Matt...don't say that..."_

I rose from my place on the floor.

"_But I mean it. We either both live or we both die."_

My hand found the gun buried in the top drawer of my dresser; the only way for me to meet again with my dear Mello.

"_Please..."_

I lay myself upon his bed, resting my head on the pillow he had been using just this morning. Time seemed to move at a blindingly fast rate.

"_It might not even happen."_

The gun clicked.

"_Matt...I told you I'm almost positive."_

I brought it up against my head.

"_Hence the word 'almost'."_

Right before I go, there's one thing I need to make sure of.

"_If anything bad happens, please don't let the same thing happen to you."_

My final thoughts needed to be of Mello.

"_I'd follow you anywhere. And I will."_

Mello.

"_I don't want you to get yourself killed, Matt."_

Mello.

"_If it means being with you, then I'll have no choice."_

Mello.

"_Matt...keep yourself safe. I love you."_

Mello.

"_I love you, too, Mells."_

Mello...

…

* * *

...well that was depressing. Either way, I hope it was well written xD it took me a while. I'll try and make my next story leave off on a happier note. Please review! :)

~Akina-chan :3


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